Redeemer Family,
As we grieve the death of Micah Salazar and prepare for his funeral tomorrow, I have heard a number of people express how difficult it is to talk with young children about death, especially the death of a young child. The following is a simple (though insufficient) starting point for how we can have redemptive conversations with our kids through this season of sorrow and mourning. I think much of this will apply to our conversations with adults as well.
Be honest, clear, and straightforward
Children have a genuine need to learn about and understand death. Euphemisms and metaphors can end up confusing a child. Instead of using language like “passed away,” “went on a journey,” or “gone home,” it is more helpful to use the clean and simple language, “_____ has died.”
If necessary, explain what death is
For very young children who have never experienced the loss of a pet, family member, or friend, you may need to explain the physicality of death. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, and their body stops working.
Answer their questions directly, but on a child’s level
Many children will have lots of questions. Do your best to answer them directly with simple, short words and phrases, but do not be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” It is better to admit that there is so much mystery and uncertainty about death than to make up an answer.
Give space for tears, sadness, and anger (both for them and for you)
It is entirely appropriate, when you are talking about death with a child, for him or her to get very emotionally upset. You can give space for this by not reacting strongly, perhaps giving them a hug, and/or holding their hand. You might even affirm their sorrow, “Yes, I agree, I feel very sad too.” It is also important to remember that sadness and anger are very close to each other on the emotional spectrum. A child may hear about someone’s death, ask questions, and then erupt with anger when the answers are not satisfying. This is normal, do not be thrown by it.
Grieving children must live in two worlds
One of the disorienting dynamics of grief for children is that they must move from the home (where people are sad), out into the world (where everyone is acting like things are normal). This can be very confusing for a child. As a parent, remind yourself to have realistic expectations for what your child is equipped to navigate.
Share your own grief with your children
While you must use wisdom here to know how much your child can handle, it is helpful for them to see your sadness. You do not need to put on a false-cheery face for the kids.
Pray, and pray, and pray
Set aside intentional times for prayer and turn to prayer when you don’t know what else to do. Keep a running conversation with the Lord, returning to him again and again. If you don’t know what to pray or where to start, use the Book of Common Prayer (2019 version) and go to p. 243 and pray the Vigil.
Read Scripture
I especially recommend the following passages:
Isaiah 25:6-9 (He will swallow up death for ever)
Isaiah 61:1-3 (To comfort all who mourn)
Lamentations 3:22-26,31-33 (The Lord is good to those who wait)
Job 19:21-27a (I know that my Redeemer lives)
Romans 8:14-19,34-39 (The glory that is to be revealed)
1 Corinthians 15:20-26,35-38,42-44,53-58 (The imperishable body)
2 Corinthians 4:16—5:9 (Things that are unseen are eternal)
1 John 3:1-2 (We shall be like him)
Revelation 7:9-17 (God will wipe away every tear)
Revelation 21:2-7 (Behold, I am making all things new)
John 5:24-27 (Whoever believes has eternal life)
John 6:37-40 (All that the Father gives me will come to me)
John 10:11-16 (I am the good shepherd)
John 11:21-27 (I am the resurrection and the life)
John 14:1-6 (In my Father’s house are many rooms)
Psalms 39, 42:1-7, 46, 90:1-12, 121, 130, 139:1-11v, 23, 27, 106:1-5v, 116Weave the thread of Gospel Hope through conversations
Rather than making big statements that squash grief, “______ is in heaven, so there’s nothing to be sad about!” It is far healthier (and accurate) to help kids understand how God’s goodness and love is present at every stage of someone’s life. God made this person, God loves this person, God was with them through every part of their life, God was with them even when their body stopped working and they died, and God loves them still. This is the very reason why Jesus became one of us, died on a cross, and rose from the dead - to defeat death and to open the way to his new kingdom. So it is right for us to be sad now, because this person has died and death is a horrible enemy. However, even while we are sad, we also have hope that God will raise this person to new life in the age to come. While we wait, we live with sorrow, patience, and hope.
Be certain about what is certain
If the person who has died is a baptized follower of Jesus, then let us be sure about the promises of scripture, that this person has died in the Lord and will be raised again on the last day. Let us be confident in our hope, trusting that God will do what he says he will do.
Note: It has long been the belief of the church that children, and most especially baptized children who are born into and raised in the church, are part of God’s covenant family. Micah, even though he was sixteen months old and not yet able to make a personal profession of faith, was absolutely a baptized member of Christ’s church. We have full confidence that our Savior who said, “Let the little children come to me,” has received the soul of dear Micah. We believe that Micah, along with the great cloud of witnesses of the Saints of the church, now awaits the future resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
Allow room for uncertainty about what is uncertain
If the person who has died was not a baptized follower of Jesus, then let us not presume in either direction. God alone knows our hearts and alone is the judge, not us. The Kingdom of God, with eternal reward is real. Hell, with eternal punishment is real as well. However, we are not the judge and do not know the depths and mysteries of the human heart. Therefore, if the person who has died appeared to reject God in their life, let us simply withhold pronouncing judgement and instead pray for their souls and plead with God to show mercy - trusting in God’s character, which is love and wisdom.
A word about Funerals
While not every parent is ready to bring their children to a funeral, it has long been the practice of the church to grieve together, as a multi-generational family. Therefore, here at Redeemer, we encourage families to bring their children to funerals. The funeral service itself teaches us how to engage the reality of death with the hope of the Gospel. The oldest Christian answer to the question, “How do I talk to my kids about death?” is, “Well, take them to the funeral and allow the church to teach the whole family about both death and Gospel hope.”
Note #1: We are not able to offer nursery or children’s ministry during a funeral service, so all children will be in the service the entire time. Please keep this in mind and prepare accordingly.
Note #2: Unlike a memorial service or a “celebration of life,” a funeral service does not primarily look backwards at the life of the person who has died, but forward towards the hope of resurrection. The following is taken from the Book of Common Prayer.
“The burial of a Christian is an occasion of both sorrow and joy—our sorrow in the face of death, and our joy in Jesus’ promise of the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. As the burial liturgy proclaims, “life is changed, not ended; and when our mortal body lies in death, there is prepared for us a dwelling place eternal in the heavens.” The Christian burial liturgy looks forward to eternal life rather than backward to past events. It does not primarily focus on the achievements or failures of the deceased; rather, it calls us to proclaim the Good News of Jesus and his triumph over death, even as we celebrate the life and witness of the deceased.”
A closing word about messiness and grace
Dear ones, we all want our lives to be tidy and controlled, but life resists and death destroys. Our grief in the days ahead will be messy - meaning, there will be some confusion, people will disappoint each other, misunderstandings will arise, our peace will be disrupted. In all of this, let’s allow the grace of the Lord Jesus to abound and cover over a multitude of sins. Let’s forgive each other quickly and easily, showing unlimited mercy and grace to one another.
I love you all dearly and we need the Great Shepherd to care for us, his flock.
In the Father’s love,
