One afternoon, I was sitting in a counseling session with a woman who was discontent in her marriage. They’d been married for fifteen years and have had several children together. “He doesn’t listen. He left me years ago to have an affair with his job,” she said metaphorically but with the sharp edge of truth. I asked her, “when was the last time you felt intimate with your husband?” “Ages,” she replied.
As a young therapist, I had come prepared with my clever bag of therapeutic tricks but I didn’t know that I was about to learn one of the most important lessons of my career: how to attend to someone hurting so deeply, but do it with my presence rather than my words. This woman sat in my office and wept. She needed to. I’d seen her for weeks and heard her pain but had never seen it. We sat in silence for 15 minutes straight and that was the most helpful 15 minutes of any session we’d had up to that point. Where my words fall woefully short, Abba made the way.
In the previous Struggle article, Elizabeth brilliantly discussed emotions and self-care. This week, we’ll be diving into how these emotions might play out in relationships and our inherent need for relational care.
I define intimacy as taking the risk to know fully and to be fully known. The woman mentioned before felt that she’d never truly been known. The hill I will die on is that intimacy and relationships are fundamental for a healthy life and a healthy Christian walk. In this season of pandemics, political unrest, and calls for racial justice, the attainment and experience of intimacy and healthy relationships can sometimes seem like a fool’s errand. As many of us are still confined to our homes, it may even feel like we could use a little less intimacy, but let’s not confuse intimacy with time spent with others.
Intimacy is so important; intimacy with loved ones, intimacy with God, and intimacy with ourselves. To know and to be known, to accept and be accepted despite shortcomings is at the heart of the Gospel. In 1 John 4:7, John writes “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” God is love and love is God. Consider intimacy, friendship, and companionship acts of worship because they are of the Creator.
Intimacy is a fragile state. It is used sometimes as currency. It takes on new meaning through trauma, is made difficult when suffering from mental illness (which we all do at some point), and is often destroyed by shame. To quote Tim Keller: “to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
What about the times we’ve opened ourselves up to others and it didn’t go so well? Perhaps you’ve been wounded by others and have found it easier and safer to keep others at a distance. First of all, your feelings are valid and good for you for surviving. We have emotions for a reason. They tell us much about our experiences but they aren’t always reliable. I like to visualize this as play fighting with a child, where you can place your hand firmly on their head and they can swing but not hit you. Sure, keeping others at an arm’s distance is a safer way to live life. We can place our heart in a box where it won’t be damaged, but the consequence is that the heart will change and it will harden. This is why intimacy is a risk, but it’s one worth taking.
When we are engaged in healthy relationships, they can look like acts such as good communication, trust, empathy, playfulness, but also knowing yourself apart from another. Sometimes relational care can look like offering words of support or wisdom. Other times it can look like just being rather than doing. If you’re married, ask your spouse what they need from you in moments of pain. This can help give you direction rather than hoping you’re doing something helpful.
How do you know when you are the one in need of relational care? If you are feeling burdened, anxious, depressed, or lonely, those are your cues. Deciding to ask for care from another can be difficult. Talking to someone in an emotionally safe, non-judgmental space can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings and even help alleviate some that are unwanted. By asking for relational care, you are moving toward intimacy.
1 Peter 4:8 states "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." By caring for one another, we are loving one another and, therefore, loving the Creator. God knows our hearts. He created us for communion with one another and with Him. Let’s be bold enough to take that risk.
—Mitchell Waters
